The Independence Day Speech Our Prime Minister Did Not Give!

The Independence Day Speech Our Prime Minister Did Not Give!
(A lighthearted parody with no malice and no truth whatsoever)

Ganga Prasad G. Rao
http://myprofile.cos.com/gangar


Fellow Citizens, My greetings to you (and heartfelt sympathies too!). As I stand before you on this august morning (feels like a June afternoon), I cannot but reminisce of the times when I first took charge of the Finance Ministry (they called me 'too meek' to handle Defence). Back then, India was in a boom following the reforms undertaken by Rajiv Gandhi and Narasimha Rao. The mood was resurgent and India prospered despite the Asian financial crisis. Today, India is growing at a healthy pace on all fronts (well, if you discount Mining and Agriculture, morals and discipline, courtesy and kindness, and a sustainable future). With abundant rains this monsoon (and despite our misguided policies), our economy is poised for takeoff.

On the Policy front, my government has paid utmost attention to price stability. By controlling inflation with 'supply-side' and 'demand-side' measures, we have managed to contain inflation even while the economy advances at near double-digit growth rates. We have imported wheat and restrained exports of milk products to contain retail price inflation (while ensuring you have less take-home pay by raising home interest loan rates to bleed your pockets). For the benefit of the poor, we have continued the subsidy on power and fertilizers even if it means contorting the economy in ways even my students cannot model in their micro classes! (Subsidy, my foot! In truth, even calling it 'free' power is a misnomer; we make a loss for every unit supplied to agricultural pumpsets. And as for the fertilizers, just look at how the stock market is salivating at the prospect of additional subsidies. Need I say more?). For the benefit of the middle-class, this government took pains to hold back prices of automotive fuels even if it meant forcing heavy losses on Oil PSUs (in exchange for some 'nominal rearrangement' in the allocation of oil and gas exploration blocks!). We have created a National Investment Fund that serves as a repository for all PSU disinvestment proceedings. It is your government's resolve to fund social welfare programs from this fund (Actually, with the leftovers in this fund after investing in power sector in which private firms and FIIs are invested and placating the left with, how should I put this, 'margin money'!). The roaring stock market is a testimony to the success of our policies (Never mind that the stock market has been taken over by foreign investors, who bleed and hijack the nation at regular intervals! By the way, I do hope you make hay while the sun shines. The billions of rupees of oil bonds we issued are due for redemption in a few years. That's when you will face the music.) I am sure that my ministers, including my coalition partners stand ready to accept the policy challenge to guide this nation forward.

Your Government has made significant progress in social welfare programs. We now fund construction of rural roads and schools as well as free medicines to women, children and the aged. (Quite a deal for their votes, don't you think?) In cooperation with state governments, we have pension programs for porters, beggars, and the unorganized labor sector (We are planning one for the educated but perennially unemployed!). Our commitment to gender equality in politics is evident in the election of the first lady President of India (In this country, nominating one lady to a higher post is more economical to entrenched male incumbents than a hundred to the Lok Sabha!). Much has been made of the Narmada, SEZ and the Nandigram issues. It is true that development sometimes exacts a price on our resources and our people. But these projects are likely to bring in perennial employment and revenues to the nation. (Never mind, that land was given away for free or at a pittance. And to cap it, we offered a 10-20 year tax-exemption window). I appeal to those displaced to cooperate in the spirit of patriotism to build a modern, industrialized India. (Surely, I cannot ask the industry to pay for the dislocated? After all, the projects are meant for the poor!).

We have always sided with the small rural farmer. Beside supplying power free of cost, we are investing lakhs of crores in inter-basin river-linking projects that will improve irrigation water supply for farmers. (What's your question? Which cement company will benefit the most? How'd I know? We haven't discussed that yet. Oops!). Believe me, the 'cost-effectiveness' of these projects passes our government's threshold (which was made up by Laluji as he walked along the corridors of his office!). I assure you, these projects will bring the waters of the Ganges to the Kaveri and the waters of Brahmaputra to the Thar within your child's lifetime ( that they are contaminated with floating corpses and sewage should not worry you much. There may also be jurisdictional disputes, but then, so long as you beg for your 'quota', our seasoned politicians will negotiate the same on your behalf).

I take pride in informing you that this government has consistently supported environmental initiatives. I laud the smoke-free Chandigarh initiative and hope other cities will follow suit. (errr... who wrote this stuff? I hope 'Tobacco' isn't one of our campaign contributor). We have released funds for the cleaning up of lakes and rivers (Whoa! Really? Perhaps some of our contractors are ready to be milked!), enforced pollution regulations strictly (Ha Ha Ha Ha Ho Ho Ho Ho!..... )... Excuse me, I have a bad cough!!... and supported Project Tiger (Mercy! I thought the GEF or a foreign Oil Major funded it thru the MoEF?). I am sure, with your help (ie, if you stay indoors or don't mind the 'desi' odors and outdoors), we can overcome all hurdles in our path to environmental sustainability. (My! I hope that was easy to digest!)

I also take this occasion to share with my fellow citizens this government's resolve to stand tall against global pressure to abdicate and tow the line as regards global climate change and emissions reductions. While we stand ready to cooperate with international agencies with regard to containing global warming (our dual-strategy to simultaneously adopt and delay clean technology/fossil fuels as appropriate, is paying off. Just look at carbon credits notched up by our industry!), no country shall dictate terms to us (How can they? We have already sold out to the US!). Many have criticized the nuclear agreement with the US as one that denies us our sovereign rights to reprocessing and national security decisions. Despite what my detractors would say (that it is a 'fairweather deal'), I personally assure you that my government has the best interest of our country in signing the nuclear deal with the US. (In fact, we are so patriotic that we have sold out our thorium technology to the anti-global warming powers behind the scene in exchange for excluding us from any binding carbon emissions reductions plan! Two birds with one stone, and not just for us. The US and Australia too benefit in this political triangle. Interns in politics, note how we designed the 'trikona' strategy and camouflaged the 'technology transfer' in patriotism!....And you say experience does not matter?)

As we look forward to the completion of our first term in office, I commend the cooperation of all coalition partners in the smooth functioning of the government and thank them for the same. (Damn, the lies one has to utter to stay in power! In truth, our coalition partners have robbed me of my powers and made a mockery of the economist in me). Today, our economy stands at the cross-roads of time. Let us not forget the sacrifices made by our freedom-fighters, our armed forces and past leaders of the nation. Let us together fight the forces of division, deceit and suppression and carry the nation to glory envisioned by Vivekananda, Tagore, Nehru, Gandhi, Rao, Vajpayee, ..... (Boy, am I short of breath. Surely, it's not the morning mist hanging in the air?).

Glory to be God! (or as we say in this land of mysticism, Kali da jawab nahi!)

Jai Hind!

(Now, where is that speechwriter of mine?)